I struggle with being completely honest and it makes me unhappy. I don't know why I hold on to it like I do - and I had never really thought of it as something I'm clinging to and grasping at until this morning. I do believe there is fear involved in letting dishonesty go in order to begin speaking and living in the truth. Dishonesty erodes self-esteem and character and that leads to suffering. When integrity is compromised, character and self-esteem are the first casualties on a personal level.
I read today that integrity is unimpaired wholeness or incorruptibility. What can corrupt my character? The answer is always dishonesty. So the solution becomes obvious: Develop Honest Speech and Honest Action - And Live That Way.
To digress into analysis for a moment, stopping dishonesty can cause fear at first. Even though living with dishonesty and compromised integrity causes pain and damages self-esteem, it is the same behavior that has made me feel safe over the years. (But it's a false sense of security, of course) I have believed dishonesty is necessary for survival, approval & acceptance and may be the only means to have intimacy and friendship - as if me standing alone and unembellished would not measure up.
So, agreeing when I want to object or smiling when I want to cry or saying one thing then doing another, are dishonest behaviors. Regardless of the benefits they seem to have provided, I need to see them now as the liabilities they have become.