Thursday, September 08, 2011

Practical Application - A Personal Story

I just lost a person I really loved, or was attached to very deeply. I did not lose her to death. This was not a love, intimate relationship. It wasn't even a friendship. I guess it would be closer to a mentor type thing. It doesn't matter what events took place that ended it. What would be the point of going over that? It was my "fault", it was her "fault". So What?

The fact is, I am hurting so badly. I tell myself that it, like everything else, is transient, passing, impermanent. My pain comes directly from my grasping for something that doesn't exist. It has changed. It is not the same. And even though I don't see her anymore or have access to her anymore, she is still out there somewhere moving and changing,just as I am. And, the only meaning the situation had is what I gave it. She and I could have never even known each other even existed.

The suffering is coming from my unwillingness to detach. I want to rail against what's happened. I want to beg, I want to say "I'll do anything" but it wouldn't do any good and it would cause harm. I think "I hate you for doing this to me. I hope something happens to you that will hurt you so you'll know how much I hurt." But. She has expressed her wishes. I must honor them. The fact that I would say "I'll do anything" shows the level of my dependency and attachment.

Self-Grasping Ignorance, attachment, not realizing even the most elementary concept of emptiness is causing me intense pain. This is exactly what I've been talking about on this blog. I'm not listening to what I know to be true.