Since I've been home from the course, I've had several blows to my spirit, seemingly one after the other and its knocked me off my game. Before I left, several people told me that I would come back "all serene and spiritual", in a laughing way, and even though I had no idea how I would feel when I got home, feeling all serene and spiritual would not have been objectionable to me...But its been anything but that. The series of spiritual blows that have happened have left me exhausted physically and I've been pretty restless, irritable and discontent, as well. Not what I was hoping for. So I've been wondering why?
I've been looking for a path for my life, just any kind of actual path that lead to somewhere better than where I was. And I've tried many things over the years, a lot of them not helpful and some rather destructive. In 2006, I started studying and reading about Buddhism and have known that it would be the path I settled on. Everything about it is right for me. But, I'm a procrastinator in the largest sense of the word so here it is 2012 and I'm finally getting serious about it. The 10 Day Course to learn Vipassana Meditation is one of the first big steps I've made towards getting serious.
This morning I have been reflecting and realize that often in my past when I've decided to make real and specific changes in my life, a battle begins. The things that I'm leaving behind in favor of something new suddenly get a really loud voice and start yelling at me. They don't want to be left behind and forgotten, they don't want me to change, they are afraid -- which translates to "change is hard, its easier to stay with whatever is familiar regardless of the cost and if I really do go through with the changes I might actually have to apply myself and feel some discomfort".
And there is another element to making a decision to create real change. The universe steps in to help. But the universe's idea of help doesn't always look or feel like help to me. The universe presents challenges that really makes me have to examine my decision to change and makes me put those decisions into practice right away. To a procrastinator, right away is painful and tiring. I need a nap.
More to follow.